


what the fuck is pasta puttanesca

by TreasonousToaster



Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Background Relationships, Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, F/F, Implied Relationships, Minor Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Relationship(s), maybe slightly ooc sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:15:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29741373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TreasonousToaster/pseuds/TreasonousToaster
Summary: Jane teaches Rose how to cook.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121582
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	what the fuck is pasta puttanesca

**Author's Note:**

> Im gonna be honest, I have no idea how to make pasta puttanesca so this could be totally wrong, i literally just googled recipes 
> 
> anyway this was fun to write! enjoy <3
> 
> (this hasnt been beta read - sorry if theres any mistakes!)

gutsyGumshoe [GG] joined the call.  


JANE: Hello?  
ROSE: Hello, Jane.  
JANE: Hello!  
JANE: Are you ready to begin?  
KANAYA: Yes  
ROSE: Could you list off the ingredients, please? I would like to make sure we have everything.  
JANE: Of course!  
JANE: An onion.  
ROSE: Yes.  
JANE: Two garlic cloves.  
ROSE: Yes.  
JANE: Half a teaspoon of chilli flakes.  
ROSE: Yes.  
JANE: Four hundred grams of canned tomatoes.  
ROSE: Yes.  
KANAYA: (You Do Not Have To Say Yes To Everything. You Could Just Say No If We Dont Have It)  
ROSE: (Shh.)  
JANE: Five anchovy fillets.  
JANE: A hundred and twenty grams of pitted black olives.  
JANE: Two tablespoons of drained capers.  
ROSE: Oh, I don’t think we have that.  
KANAYA: We Do  
KANAYA: Its Over Here  
ROSE: Oh.  
ROSE: Well, nevermind then.  
JANE: Alright.  
JANE: Three hundred grams of spaghetti.  
JANE: And half a small bunch of parsley.  
JANE: You have all of that?  
KANAYA: Yes I Believe So  
JANE: Perfect! Let’s get started then.  
JANE: Alright then, so first you want to put oil in your pan and heat it at either 2 or 3.  
KANAYA: I Think I Will Handle The Stove  
KANAYA: I Do Not Want Rose To Burn Down My Kitchen  
ROSE: That’s fair.  
ROSE: Although, I would like to point out that this is supposed to be a cooking lesson for me. You can already cook.  
KANAYA: Yes Exactly That Is Why I Trust Myself To Handle The Heat More Than You  
ROSE: Very well.  
JANE: Alright, if that’s done, now you need to finely chop the onions.  
ROSE: Well, I believe I can handle that.  
JANE: Good.  
KANAYA: You Need To Chop Them Smaller  
ROSE: Fuck.  
KANAYA: Yes Like That  
ROSE: What ever would I do without you?  
KANAYA: I Assume You Would Be Completely Lost  
ROSE: Yes, that sounds about right.  
ROSE: Now, do I put the onions in the pan?  
JANE: Yes! Just put them in there along with a pinch of salt- Oh! I forgot to mention the salt. Do you have salt?  
KANAYA: Yes Ill Go Get It  
JANE: Perfect.  
JANE: How have you been Rose?  
ROSE: Very well, actually. Aside from the fact that my brother and his boyfriend will be arriving in half an hour and I cannot cook.  
JANE: Don’t worry about it. This is a simple recipe!  
JANE: There is no way you can mess this up.  
ROSE: Simpler than pancakes?  
JANE: Err… Well, I am not sure about that but you have Kanaya there to watch out for you so this should be easy.  
KANAYA: Yes I Am Here  
KANAYA: Heres The Salt  
JANE: Great, add a pinch of that to the onions and fry them for around ten minutes.  
ROSE: Alright, sounds simple enough.  
KANAYA: Rose You Messed Up Pancakes I Dont Know If I Trust You With The Stove For That Long  
ROSE: Thank you for your neverending support.  
KANAYA: Of Course  
KANAYA: <3  


turntechGodhead [TG] joined the call.  


DAVE: whaddup  
JANE: Dave, why are you here.  
DAVE: i saw rose was online  
ROSE: So?  
DAVE: so i came to say whaddup  
JANE: Is that it?  
DAVE: yep pretty much  
DAVE: yo whatre you making  
ROSE: Food.  
ROSE: For when you and Karkat arrive.  
DAVE: nice  
DAVE: oh wait YOURE cooking?  
ROSE: Yes.  
DAVE: oh what the fuck  
DAVE: kanaya why did you let her do this  
KANAYA: My Wife Can Do Whatever She Wants Dave  
KANAYA: I Do Not Control Her  
DAVE: yea but cooking  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: man you know she sucks at cooking  
ROSE: I am right here, Dave.  
DAVE: yeah i know  
DAVE: you suck at cooking  
ROSE: Thank you.  
KANAYA: That Is Why Jane Is Here  
JANE: Hello.  
ROSE: Yes, Jane is teaching me to make pasta puttanesca. With spaghetti.  
DAVE: okay  
DAVE: what the fuck is pasta puttanesca  
JANE: It’s a pasta dish.  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: fucked up if true  
ROSE: Have some faith, brother dear.  
ROSE: I am being taught by the best.  
DAVE: ok but its YOU  
ROSE: Dave.  
DAVE: yeah?  
ROSE: Shut the fuck up.  
KANAYA: Yes Shut The Fuck Up Dave  
DAVE: wow  
DAVE: i am just being attacked here  
JANE: Dave, you did come here and insult Rose’s cooking.  
DAVE: jane youve had her cooking  
DAVE: you know it sucks  
JANE: That’s not the point, Dave.  
DAVE: ok sure  
DAVE: so whats in this pasta pescatarian thing  
JANE: Puttanesca.  
DAVE: sure  
ROSE: Well, there’s pasta.  
DAVE: dang i had no idea  
ROSE: Various other foods.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: is there bugs  
JANE: What?  
DAVE: did you put beetles in it  
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: If You Want Bugs You Are Welcome To Bring Your Own  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: this a byob situation?  
DAVE: bring your own bugs  
ROSE: There are no bugs in the dish.  
ROSE: Please do not bring your own, knowing you, they will probably be alive-  
DAVE: wtf no they wont  
ROSE: -And we already have bugs, so if you really want, you can just add some from our kitchen.  
DAVE: no i dont want bugs  
JANE: Then why did you ask about them?  
DAVE: i dunno they eat bugs sometimes  
ROSE: You eat bugs sometimes.  
DAVE: i know i literally asked if i had to bring my own bugs  
DAVE: if that doesnt imply i eat bugs i dont know what will  
JANE: Alright! Well, I think the onions should be fried by now.  
JANE: Next, you crush the garlic, and add it along with the chilli flakes into the pan.  
ROSE:Alright.  
JANE: And you cook that for another minute or so.  
KANAYA: I Am Kicking Dave Out The Call  
DAVE: oh what the fuck  
ROSE: Thank you, please do.  
DAVE: naw kanaya what the fuck  
DAVE: i thought we were bros  
KANAYA: Goodbye  
DAVE: w-  


tentacleTherapist [TT] kicked turntechGodhead [TG] from the call.  


JANE: Thank you, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: Youre Welcome  
JANE: Now, finely chop the five anchovies and add them to the pan along with the tomatoes, olives, and capers.  
ROSE: Alright.  
KANAYA: Finely Chop Them Rose  
ROSE: I am finely chopping them.  
KANAYA: Finer  
JANE: Once that’s all in the pan, bring it to a simmer, and allow it to cook for fifteen minutes.  
ROSE: Okay.  
JANE: Alright, while that’s cooking, bring a large pan of water to the boil, add some salt to it - not too much! Just a pinch.  
JANE: Cook the spaghetti.  
ROSE: How long will that take?  
JANE: It shouldn't take too long.  
JANE: Just start it now and it should be finished around the same time as everything else.  
ROSE: I see.  


turntechGodhead [TG] joined the call.  


TG: im back motherfucker  
KANAYA: Oh God  
ROSE: Dave, I am trying to cook. If you keep interrupting I might accidentally mess up your plate and give you food poisoning.  
DAVE: oh what the fuck are you threatening me  
ROSE: Yes.  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: not very subtle  
KANAYA: Dave Should You Not Be Getting Ready To Come Here  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: i am ready  
KANAYA: Then Should You Not Be On Your Way?  
DAVE: man i can fly and you live like two blocks away it doesnt take that long to get there  
JANE: Couldn’t you use your time powers?  
DAVE: i mean yeah  
DAVE: but i wouldnt  
DAVE: cause like  
DAVE: i dont wanna accidentally doom all of us or some shit because i didnt want to be late to eat with my sister and her hot wife  
DAVE: fuck  
JANE: Um!  
KANAYA: I Am Telling Karkat You Said That  
DAVE: ok go for it  
DAVE: he lives with me he has to deal with this shit  
ROSE: That’s true.  
KANAYA: Poor Karkat  
DAVE: what the fuck  
JANE: Dave, hush, let Rose cook.  
DAVE: man what  
DAVE: im here for comedic purposes  
DAVE: you guys arent funny  
ROSE: I hate you.  
DAVE: i know  
DAVE: i hate you too  
KANAYA: I Would Like To Kick You Again  
DAVE: please dont  
JANE: Rose! How’s the cooking looking?  
DAVE: lol  
ROSE: I am not sure.  
KANAYA: It Looks Good So Far  
DAVE: wow seriously  
KANAYA: Yes Surprisingly  
ROSE: Wow, even my own wife, siding with my cruel, cruel brother.  
DAVE: pfft  
KANAYA: Oh Please  
DAVE: man youre the mean one and you know it  
ROSE: Be that as it may, my cooking is good. Kanaya just said as much and you will see when you get here.  
DAVE: ok sure whatever you say  
DAVE: im leaving now bye  


turntechGodhead [TG] left the call.  


JANE: Wow, he left without being kicked.  
KANAYA: That May Be A First  
ROSE: I think the spaghetti is cooked.  
KANAYA: It Looks Like It  
JANE: Alright, perfect.  
JANE: Drain it, and then add in the sauce and parsley.  
JANE: And you should be done!  
ROSE: Okay.  
KANAYA: Good Job  
ROSE: Thank you.  
ROSE: Does it look okay?  
KANAYA: Yes It Does  
JANE: Send me a picture?  
KANAYA: Okay Hang On  
KANAYA:  
KANAYA: There  
JANE: Oh, it looks great!  
JANE: Well done, Rose.  
ROSE: I told you I can cook.  
KANAYA: Well This Is Just One Meal  
ROSE: Wow.  
KANAYA: <3  
ROSE: <3  
JANE: Well, I’ve taught you all I need to.  
JANE: I’ll leave you to it now.  
ROSE: Right, goodbye.  
KANAYA: (Rose)  
ROSE: Right, thank you, Jane.  
JANE: You’re welcome! Hoo hoo! :B  
KANAYA: Yes Thank You Jane  
KANAYA: Goodbye  
JANE: Goodbye!  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] left the call.  


ROSE: So-  


turntechGodhead [TG] joined the call.  


DAVE: were here  
DAVE: open the door  
ROSE: Hello again, Dave.Just give us a minute  
DAVE: aight  


turntechGodhead [TG] left the call.  


ROSE: Thank you for your help, Kanaya.  
ROSE: <3  
KANAYA: <3  


**Author's Note:**

> stalk my tumblr! [treasonousToaster](https://treasonoustoaster.tumblr.com/)


End file.
